


A Glitch In The System

by ResearchBlackwingsAndDenial



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 12x10, Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon verse, Coda, Crying, DeanCas - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-09
Updated: 2017-02-09
Packaged: 2018-09-23 04:52:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9641489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ResearchBlackwingsAndDenial/pseuds/ResearchBlackwingsAndDenial
Summary: Dean cried sometimes.That night after they“drank and hoped they could find a better way”, that night had been no exception.





	

**Author's Note:**

> _  
> [](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sSiXAA8ewLg)_
> 
> _[Well I'll confess all of my sins after several large gins and still I'll hide from you. Hide what's inside from you.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sSiXAA8ewLg)_
> 
>  _  
> _   
> 

 

 

Dean cried sometimes.

Many times with Cas by his side. It had been this way since the beginning. Cas never slept, he always came when Dean called and sometimes Dean cried.

Sometimes Cas would hold him close, other times he would squeeze his shoulder, some others he would just sit there, always a comforting presence.They never talked about it, no one needed to know.

It made things difficult, that they didn’t talk. Dean knew Cas never came uncalled, all those times he woke up and snapped rudely at the angel for being there weren’t necessary, but he didn’t know how to tell Cas _“I just can’t let myself cry today”_. And so Cas learned to read him, even though he didn’t have to.

It was always worst after they’d been apart for long periods of time. Dean didn’t know how to say _“I missed you”_ either. But Cas knew, he _had_ to.

The way Dean shook inside his hold, the way he clawed desperately at the angel’s arms, the way he cried messily into the angel’s neck, the way his throat burned with things he would never confess to the angel, delicate things, complicated things. _He had to know_. Those times were the worst.

That night after they _“drank and hoped they could find a better way”_ , that night had been no exception. After they ran out of bottles after Sam went to bed, Cas lingered and so Dean stayed planted on his chair.

He was worried, but he couldn’t look at Cas, soon all the bottles would be clean of their labels and Dean’s nails would be weak. But he couldn’t bring himself to say a word. His heart was beating too fast, hopefully from the alcohol and not from sensing Cas get up from his seat.

Cas was going to leave. Dean knew it; if he didn’t say anything the angel was going to leave him. But he couldn’t.

Some unknown force redirected Cas’ path. Maybe it was the way Dean’s hands were trembling or the way his leg was insistently bumping the table or the way his lips were quivering. Or maybe he had always intended to walk towards Dean. 

Cas stood there by his side without saying a word. The hammering in his chest was just encouraged and even though Dean tried to breathe deep he just- he _couldn’t_. And his legs were twitchy and his hands were itchy and so he just stood up.

In a rush, the air left his lungs and the chair tumbled backward from the force of his push and he stood there. In front of Cas, like this, he felt exposed. He looked into the angel’s eyes in a show of bravery and he saw love. Plain and simple. The kind he had always felt and would never again express.

“I don’t-” he tried, but his vision became blurry and his voice broke in a pitiful sound and the next thing he knew he was shaking all over, strong arms around him, sobbing into the angel’s neck. Cas locked his hands around Dean’s neck, and Dean clutched at his back.

He was talking nonsense. He knew it but he couldn’t stop, he couldn’t hear himself muffled by Cas’ skin, the only thing he heard was his heart, and the unstoppable string of Cas’ kind words always opposing to the chant inside his head of _“it’s my fault, my fault, always my fault, this is all my fault”_

Dean turned his head to shut his mouth with Cas’ shoulder, and to be able to make out Cas’ words against his hair.

“Shhh, it’s not your fault,” Cas whispered, his voice was breaking too. “You’re so brave Dean, you’re so strong,” Cas said in hushed tones over and over. “You didn’t deserve any of it. You’re not weak for missing your family, you’re so strong. It’s okay” Dean’s tears were falling quietly now as he focused on Cas.

“It’s not your fault.” Cas repeated “You’re so brave. You’ve saved so many people, you’re so strong, they need you.” Dean’s breath caught in his throat. “They love you.” He tightened his hold on Cas. “Your family loves you. It’s okay.”

_Family._

Dean found his voice again with that. “I’m worried” he managed to rasp out, but he was only met with an unconditional “it’s okay, it’s gonna be fine” so he lifted his head, finally looking at Cas and said it again:

“I don’t want to lose you”

More tears fell away and his heart, his whole being trembled with fear. It felt too dangerous. Maybe that was too big a confession. But Cas just looked at him with _that_ look.

“I don’t want to leave you” the angel mirrored.

That wasn’t enough. It never was.

“Cas-” he tried.

“I can’t promise you I won’t do what I think is right” the angel cut him off, already knowing what Dean wanted. Anger flared inside the hunter.

“But you don’t have to put yourself on the line Cas!” Dean shook himself out of their hold and practically yelled at the angel. Cas boldly answered him:

“Like you don’t do the same all the time, Dean!” He seemed to be in despair.

“It’s not the same” he yelled back, “I can’t -” he took Cas’ face between his hands and his voice suddenly got very quiet. 

_“When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost.”_

_“He has this weakness. He likes you.”_

_“I’m gonna cure you of your human weakness.”_

“I can’t lose you” he whispered selfishly, brokenly into tired blue eyes.

“Okay” Cas answered, but he didn’t close off like he had been doing lately. His eyes remained open, sad, tired, but still loving.

“What does that mean?” Dean asked gravely, his voice husky. Cas looked away for a second before answering:

“It means I will try to find a better way”

“I need you,” Dean told him

“I will do _everything_ to protect you” Cas answered him.

“Then stay safe” Dean insisted.

“Dean-”

“I _can’t_ lose you,” Dean told him, eyes wide and hands still firmly framing the angel’s face.

“I understand” Cas finally conceded.

Dean breathed a sigh of relief but tried to mask it hugging his best friend again, burying his face in the crook of his neck.

“You’re not weak” he mumbled against Cas’ skin. Cas’ hands stopped their gentle touches for a second.

“You should get some sleep,” Cas said, his hands carding through Dean’s hair again. Dean sighed.

“Okay,” he answered.

“What does that mean?” Cas repeated his words to him. Dean half smiled and lifted his head, finally letting go of Cas.

“Means I’ll try” he answered, Cas’ hands still caressing his hair.

Cas gave him a small smile and brought one hand down, the other gently touching Dean’s cheek in a gesture they would both file as a glitch in the system of their relationship.

“I’ll be in the library” Cas informed him. And with that, he left the room.

Dean stood there for a moment, marveling at how all those delicate, complicated things became so simple when they were alone. Then he went to his room.

He tried to sleep.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Whoever you are, I'm honored that you would take some of your precious time to read my work and I would love to hear from you. ♥(ˆ⌣ˆԅ) You can find me [here](http://research-blackwings-denial.tumblr.com/) and in the comments section.


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